Author’s Note: This piece was originally published in the May 2011 Issue of Ramen, a handwritten paper zine published by students of Columbia College Chicago.
5 – Aunt Sarah (Lady and the Tramp)
Crime against humanity: Put Lady in a muzzle
I don’t care that she sent a box of dog biscuits to Lady and Tramp at the end of the movie. The only thing I care about is that she believed the worst about Lady and put her in a muzzle. And I use the word muzzle pretty loosely–what Sarah used was more like some weird snout-cage attached to a leash. I’m all for cat ladies, but cat ladies that are antagonistic toward dogs don’t get much sympathy from this camp.
4 – The Feather-duster (Beauty and the Beast)
Crimes against humanity: Snotty, French
Let’s face it. The Feather-duster was a total tease! Lumière deserved so much better than a flighty maid in a fetish outfit. Besides, if they hadn’t been turned back into humans, how long would their relationships last? She’s a feather-duster and he spontaneously bursts into flames.
3 – Charlotte (The Princess and the Frog)
Crimes against humanity: Selfish, gold-digger
Here’s what really frustrates me about Charlotte: I know that Tiana would have been too proud to accept a loan from Charlotte for her restaurant, but would it kill Charlotte to offer? Yeah, she may have offered before the movie started, but whatever. The point is she was super rich, her best friend was in need, and all she did was squeal about beignets. Plus she was annoyingly obsessed with marrying a prince. I don’t often quote Kanye West, but… she ain’t messin’ with no broke, broke [censored].
2 – The Queen of Hearts (Alice in Wonderland)
Crimes against humanity: Animal cruelty, mass murder, being high maintenance
Let’s ignore, for a moment, the fact that she uses hedgehogs and flamingos to play croquet, and the fact that she has a head collection that rivals Henry VIII. What really solidifies the Queen’s place in the world of bitchdom is the level of maintenance she commands from her subjects. She has her card minions painting roses out of fear for their lives. If that doesn’t say “bitch,” I don’t know what does.
1 – Woody (Toy Story)
Crime against humanity: Snubbed me at Disneyland
It’s a stretch, but Pixar is owned by Disney. And when I was at Disneyland, strolling through Frontier Town, who should walk by but Woody? When I asked him if I could take his picture, he just shook his fat plastic head and kept walking. “But that’s not Woody,” you say, “that’s just a guy in his outfit.” But re-watch his movies. Woody is insecure, selfish and controlling. In short, he’s the Blair Waldorf of the toy world. And what’s Blair? A bitch, of course.