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For this week’s Five Things Friday, I’m reposting a piece I wrote for Ramen, the lovely Caro’s zine. Enjoy!

5) Aunt Sarah – Lady and the Tramp
Crimes against humanity: She put Lady in a muzzle!

I don’t care that she sent a box of dog biscuits to Lady and Tramp at the end of the movie. The only thing I care about is that she believed the worst about Lady and put her in a muzzle. And I use the word muzzle pretty loosely–what Sarah used was more like some weird snout-cage attached to a leash. I’m all for cat ladies, but cat ladies that are antagonistic toward dogs don’t get much sympathy from this camp.

She is literally seconds away from animated conflagration.

4) The Feather Duster – Beauty and the Beast
Crimes against humanity: Snotty, French

Let’s face it. The Feather Duster was a total tease! Lumière deserved so much better than a flighty maid in a fetish outfit. Besides, if they hadn’t been turned back into humans, how long would their relationship last? She’s a feather duster and he spontaneously bursts into flames.

3) Charlotte – The Princess and the Frog
Crimes against humanity: Selfish, Gold-digger

Here’s what really frustrates me about Charlotte: I know that Tiana would have been too proud to accept a loan from Charlotte for her restaurant, but would it kill Charlotte to offer? Yeah, she may have offered before the movie started, but whatever. The point is she was super rich, her best friend was in need, and all she did was squeal about beignets. Plus she was annoyingly obsessed with marrying a prince. I don’t often quote Kanye West, but… she ain’t messin’ with no broke, broke [censored].

2) The Queen of Hearts – Alice in Wonderland
Crimes against humanity: Animal cruelty, mass murder, high maintenance

Let’s ignore for a moment the fact that she uses hedgehogs and flamingoes to play croquet, and that she has a head collection that rivals Henry VIII. What really solidifies the Queen’s place in the world of bitchdom is the level of maintenance she commands from her subjects. She has her card minions painting roses out of fear for their lives. If that doesn’t say “bitch,” I don’t know what does.

Jerk.

1) Woody – Toy Story
Crimes against humanity: Snubbed me at Disneyland

It’s a stretch, but Pixar is owned by Disney. And when I was at Disneyland, strolling through Frontier Town, who should walk by but Woody? When I asked him if I could take his picture, that bastard just shook his fat plastic head and kept walking. “But that’s not Woody,” you say, “that’s just a guy in his outfit.” But re-watch his movies. Woody is insecure, selfish and controlling. In short, he’s the Blair Waldorf of the toy world. And what’s Blair? A bitch, of course.