It’s the Christmas season once again, which means you will be inundated with Christmas movies of all shapes and sizes. Some are funny, some are classics, some are heartfelt and some are just awful. Never fear! I have compiled a list of Christmas movies to avoid like the plague. Overdose on “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “A Christmas Story” if you want, but stay away from these duds.

5. How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
Let me begin by admitting that there’s nothing inherently wrong with this movie. I enjoy Jim Carey as much as the next person who prefers drama over comedy. My one problem with this movie is that if you’re going to watch “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” why not watch the original classic? My roommate feels the same way about “A Christmas Carol.” In her mind, the only version that exists is “A Muppet Christmas Carol,” and rightly so, because it’s awesome.

There are three reasons why the 1966 version is better than the 2000 version:
– Boris Karloff (the original Frankenstein) is the narrator and the voice of the Grinch.
– The music is as classically Christmas you can get without breaking out a hymnal. “Christmas, Why Can’t I Find You?” is sweet and all, but nothing beats “You’re a Mean One, Mister Grinch” in my book.
– It’s animated! I’ve never been a huge fan of live-action versions of Dr. Seuss’ works (did you see “Cat in the Hat”?). Dr. Seuss’ characters are illustrated, after all, so it stands to reason that the best films of his work will be animated.

So instead of watching Jim Carey prance around in an Academy Award nominated make-up job, tune in to the 30 minute animated version. And with all the time you’ve saved, you can watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” too!

4. Jack Frost (1998)
“Jack Frost” was Michael Keaton’s desperate attempt to resurrect some form of a career after “Batman.” Given the fact that this movie holds an 11% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, I think it’s safe to say that he gambled and lost.

Michael Keaton plays Jack Frost, the lead singer in a blues band that performs covers of children’s Christmas songs. Stop right there and read that sentence again. Blues covers. Children’s Christmas songs. I know it sounds like the recipe for the best movie ever, but it’s actually not. Like every leading character on this list, Jack Frost is a neglectful family man who spends way too much time focused on his work. Jack misses a family trip in favor of a really important gig. On his way there, however, he gets into a car crash and dies. I’m pretty sure that if Disney created a Christmas movie, it would be “Jack Frost.”

Flash forward one year later: Jack’s son makes a snowman that comes to life with his father’s personality! It is at this point in the movie when I wonder why this movie isn’t called “Frosty the Snowman.”

Jack and Charlie do some bonding, scare some bullies, and Jack uses his time to impart important father-son lessons that he never got to impart while he was busy being a Christmas blues cover artist. In the end, Jack magically melts (kind of like those snowmen in the Campbell’s soup commercials) and becomes Michael Keaton again. Then they all live happily ever after.

Instead of watching this weird, sappy movie, just watch “It’s a Wonderful Life.” You can excuse the sappiness in that film because it’s Jimmy Stewart. Plus it has some of the same themes without forcing me to type the words “Christmas blues cover artist.”

3. Santa Baby (2006)
“Santa Baby” is like “Fred Claus,” except the only funny parts are unintentional and it stars Jenny McCarthy instead of Paul Giamatti and Vince Vaughn. Also it’s a waste of time. Jenny McCarthy’s character is a work-a-holic high powered businesswoman. The only problem is that she’s Santa’s daughter and he’s ill! Oh no! So Mary goes to the North Pole to help mummy and daddy with Christmas. But she butts heads with the elves, who weren’t exactly blessed with an abundance of brains.

Will Mary’s hard-core business ethic help her save Christmas? Will she win back her true love? Will Santa be all right? Who cares? Go watch “Fred Claus” instead.

2. The Christmas Shoes (2002)
“The Christmas Shoes” was probably meant to be a poignant cinematic adaptation of a poignant Christmas song. Instead it’s so depressing that you might actually believe that urban legend that more suicides occur during the holiday season.

Just to prepare you for the utter despair that is created by this film, here are the lyrics to the song’s chorus:

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.

So the singer buys the shoes for the little boy and learns the true meaning of Christmas. It’s sweet, it’s sad, and the movie is about 75% lamer.

“The Christmas Shoes” follows two main characters and their families. One guy, Robert Layton (played by Rob Lowe) is a work-a-holic who neglects his family (a Christmas movie staple). Maggie (played by Kimberly Williams) is an ill young mother with a son.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out how this movie goes: Robert’s mother dies before Robert can reconcile with her; Maggie’s son fundraises to buy his mother shoes before she dies; Robert helps Maggie’s son buy the shoes and Maggie dies. This is exactly the sort of movie you never, ever want to watch, let alone on Christmas. Instead, consider watching “A Christmas Story.” It’s funny, cute, and not at all depressing. Plus, it’s hard to go wrong with anything written by Jean Shepherd.

1. Borrowed Hearts (1997)
Lifetime and the Hallmark Channel get a lot of flack for cranking out lame made-for-TV-movies. However, right around the holiday season, CBS takes the cake for lame made-for-TV-movies about the holidays. “The Christmas Shoes” was on CBS, as was the sequel, “The Christmas Blessing.” However the number one movie on my don’t-watch list was also on CBS: “Borrowed Hearts.”

“Borrowed Hearts” stars Eric McCormack (Will from “Will and Grace”) and Roma Downey, who you may remember as Monica, the titular angel in “Touched By An Angel.” Borrowed Hearts, like several of the films on this list, took a classic, well-loved story and compressed it into 91 laughable minutes. “Which well-loved story,” you ask? Read my synopsis and maybe you’ll be able to guess.

It starts with a classic holiday character trope: the wizened-hearted single (yet attractive) businessman that is inches (inches!) away from landing the biggest deal of his career. Sound familiar? I’m not surprised. His business associate tells him that the guy in charge of saying yes to this vague deal (I’m not even sure I know what this wizened-hearted attractive businessman does except being attractive while having a wizened-heart) is impressed by family men.

So Attractive Businessman hires Attractive Single Mother and her Adorable Daughter to be his family. Combined with a guardian angel type character played by Hector Elizondo and CBS gave us “Pretty Woman.”The only difference? They set it during Christmas, subtracted a hooker and added a daughter. They even reused Hector Elizondo as the helpful watching angel! Sloppy, CBS, very sloppy.

Instead of watching “Borrowed Hearts” or any of the other Hallmark/Lifetime made-for-TV movies, just watch “Pretty Woman.” It’s not a Christmas movie, sure, but you can watch the scene where Vivian gives the snobby sales lady who works on commission a what for.

Needless to say, watching any of the movies on this list would be a big mistake. Big. Huge. (That’s right, I went there).

Every Christmas I face the same question: how many times can I watch the same old batch of Christmas movies before I get tired of them? Answer: three. To that end, I’ve compiled a list of five non-traditional Christmas movies for you to turn to when you get tired of TBS’s 24-hour marathon of “A Christmas Story.”

5 – Die Hard (1988)
Outside of “A Christmas Story,” “Die Hard” is my go-to Christmas movie. “But ‘Die Hard’ is an action movie!” you might say, and you’d be correct. But “Die Hard” is special, because it’s an action movie set during Christmas. “Die Hard,” starring Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman, follows a New York City cop named John McClane who travels to LA to spend Christmas with his estranged wife, Holly. Since McClane is played by Bruce Willis, predictably he gets caught up in a terrorist attack on the office building where McClane’s wife works.

McClane, who is a colossal bad-ass, proceeds to take down the terrorists with minimal help (and a lot of moral support) from an LA cop named Al Powell (played by Reginald VelJohnson, also known as the dad from “Family Matters”). The movie ends the way all Christmas movies should end: with a kiss. Holly and McClane drive off into the city, having rediscovered their love for one another. As long as you don’t watch Die Hard 4, you can imagine that they’ll never break up. Everyone together? “Awwwww.”

4 – Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
Tim Burton’s masterpiece is normally watched during the Halloween season, and rightly so, because it follows the residents of Halloweentown as they attempt to organize and celebrate Christmas. The songs are creepy and the characters are more at home during the end of October than the end of December, but Nightmare Before Christmas is, at its heart, a Halloween/Christmas cross-over. Santa makes a brief appearance (when he’s kidnapped by the Oogie Boogie Man), but he is replaced by tall, bony Jack Skellington. There’s even a Rudolph character; Jack’s ghost dog, Zero, and his shining red nose.

Like all Christmas movies (traditional and non-traditional), “Nightmare Before Christmas” sends wholesome Christmas-y messages. Unlike all Christmas movies, these messages are communicated through the lens of monsters, corpses and skeletons. Some of the messages Tim Burton sends to his viewers are… don’t kidnap Santa Claus, listen to your rag-doll friend when she has premonitions, shrunken heads don’t make good Christmas gifts for children, and, perhaps the most important lesson of all: never give up on your dreams.

3 – Gremlins (1984)
Everyone knows the three rules: keep them out of the light, don’t get them wet and don’t feed them after midnight. But how many people realize that “Gremlins,” the Steven Spielberg produced cult-classic is set during Christmas?

“Gremlins” is about a struggling family in a struggling town where the reigns are held by one greedy bank and one greedy bank manager. An aspiring inventor buys a “mogwai” from an admittedly shady store in Chinatown and gives it to his son, Billy, for Christmas. The characters proceed to break all three rules regarding the gremlins, and predictably all hell breaks loose.

In the background of this movie is a simple message: greed is bad. Using water, Billy’s father makes more and more gremlins so he can sell them as pets. When Billy accidentally feeds these gremlins after midnight, they turn on the family and Gizmo–the original mogwai that gave them life. Even The greedy bank manager (presented as a Mrs. Gulch from the Wizard of Oz character) gets her just desserts (spoiler alert: she gets killed by the gremlins).

“Gremlins” isn’t little kid friendly (the little monsters are pretty scary after they transform!), but it’s a great slightly-older family film nonetheless.

2 – About A Boy (2002)
Written and directed by Chris and Paul Weitz, “About A Boy” is a classic kind-of-Christmas movie. Set in and around Christmas, “About A Boy” tells the story of aimless womanizer Will (Hugh Grant) and his strange, surrogate, father-son relationship with 12-year-old Marcus (Nicholas Hoult). Will’s entire income is based on a song his father wrote when he was a child, called “Santa’s Super Sleigh.” The royalties provided by this song ensure that Will can spend his life doing absolutely nothing.

His philosophy is interrupted when Marcus crosses his path, and Will discovers what can be gained by giving your heart to a child. “About A Boy” uses Christmas as a book end to allow the audience to gauge Will’s growth as a character. The film starts at Christmas, as Will chases women and fabricates a child to date single mothers–happily living his life as an “island.” The ending of the movie drops us off at the following Christmas, where Will is surrounded by friends and has discovered that, while men can be islands, some of them are part of larger chains of islands.

“About A Boy,” like any Hugh Grant movie, is good for a laugh, and it has good, Christmas-y messages, like “family is important” and “don’t scam on single mothers.” Though I suppose that last one isn’t really specific to Christmas.

1 – Home Alone (1990)
Do I even need to recount the plot of “Home Alone”? Macaulay Culkin plays Kevin, the youngest child in a huge family. The night before his entire family hops on a plane for Paris, Kevin is sent to his room for causing trouble. Kevin’s life is kind of sad–his siblings and cousins love to say things like “Kevin, you’re such a disease,” and “Kevin, I’m going to feed you to my tarantula.” After some crazy random happenstances, Kevin’s family sleeps in, accidentally count a neighbor instead of Kevin, and leave him in Chicago while they fly off to Paris. Predictably, hijinks ensue.

The best part of this movie is definitely the burglars that go head-to-head against eight-year-old Kevin, and eventually lose. Kevin also has to come to terms with his fear of the “Shovel Killer” (who is, in reality, just a nice old man who wants to be with his estranged family) as well overcome his belief that his family hates him.

While Kevin is initially happy that he “made his family disappear,” in the end he realizes that… he misses them, and wants to spend Christmas with them. At the end of the film, Kevin’s mother flies back to him and Kevin realizes that his family does love him, even if it’s difficult to imagine sometimes.